I’m the madman you avoid in the street who jogs in one direction only to come to a dead stop, curse aloud, look around and backtrack the way I came. The man whose story you invent in your mind as you gawk at my antics. Is my reality as fabulously twisted as the one you’re imagining? What motivates madmen like me to shun social norms and behave so erratically? What is going through my crazed mind?
Who does she think she is, making me chase after her all over this city? I know! I’ll camp on her fucking doorstep! She has to come home eventually and when she does I will be there. Waiting for her! Yes, then she’ll HAVE to see me!
I hail a cab.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: Western Addition. Divisidero Street.
The cab ride in rush hour traffic is both slow. And. Painful. Coming to complete stops. For no. Apparent. Reason. We are stopping more that we are moving. I wrestle the impulses to get out and just run to Ann’s place.
This whole city is insane!
Lurching forward, face through the hole in the plexiglass divider, I peer out the windshield. I am zapping slow cars ahead of me, willing the sea of traffic to part with my mind. Ann is slipping away.
Calm the fuck down! What’s the matter with me!
I force myself to use the entire seat, I lean back, take deep breaths and close my eyes.
………………………….
Ann is giving me that look. She wants to talk to me. Alone.
Me: Dennis, give us a minute.
Dennis: Sure thing Slick. Holler when you’re ready.
We watch him leave the office before we speak. He leaves the door open and there are other people milling about on the other side.
Me: Yeah?
Ann: He’s an asshole, we should leave.
Me: I know, but this is really a good deal.
Ann: I still think we should look around at other places.At least let’s come back tomorrow.
I slide my hand in my pant pocket.
Me: Tomorrow is a new month and he’s motivated to get this done so it counts for this month.
Ann: Why are you so impulsive. I hate when you get like this because you always make bad decisions. Will it kill you to slow down for once? Don’t have such a hard-on to do this right now.
In my pocket, I finger the bankroll. I picture how beautiful it looks, folded over, rubber banded and dirty-green in my mind.
Me: I’ve always wanted one of these. It’s not impulsive at all, Ann.
Ann: You know exactly what I mean!
She takes a breath.
Ann: Look at me.
I obey.
Ann: You make choices that affect both of us and so far none of them have been good. This guy doesn’t give a damn about you. He just wants your money.
The wad of paper in my pocket is growing heavier by the moment.
Me: It’s my fucking money! Mine! I can do whatever the fuck I want with it, so get off my back damn it!!
She is crying now.
Anne: You are by far the smartest person I have ever met and the biggest fucking idiot! How is this possible?
Christ, I hate when she cries. I feel like an asshole when she makes a scene. I’ll bet people think “Poor little white girl with the evil black boy making her cry. He must have hit her! Those people are so prone to violence!” I gotta calm her the fuck down. Need to buy some time…
Me: Ann
Ann: What!
Me: Will you marry me?
Eyes widen. She gasps.
Ann: Yes!
Now she is crying even more, only this time, it’s beautiful.
Look at how happy she is right now. This is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her. Like a red-headed angel. God, any man would be the luckiest bastard on Earth to spend the rest of his life with her. She’s so caring and kind. So damn smart.
As usual, she is right. Why do I always have to be a big shot? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I keep fucking up? What the hell am I buying here anyway, a false measure of respect? Cock size? Yeah right. I should call Dennis back in here and tell that jackass to go fuck himself, then run to the nearest engagement ring store.
Yes! I should leave with Ann right now! Take that commission money in my pocket and put it to good use, make the best choice I could ever make in my entire pathetic example of a life. For once, I will stop breaking her heart and do one thing right. Buy a ring worthy of her love. Put it on her finger. Right now!
Me: I love you.
Ann: I love you!
Me: Dennis, come in here.
Dennis enters the office with the look of resignation on his face and defeat stooping his shoulders.
Dennis: Look, I can throw in…
Me: Shut up Dennis. Don’t interrupt me.
I see Ann in my peripheral vision, she is about to burst. The money wants to come out. Ann places her hand on my leg, beaming.
Me: I’ll take the Porsche.
………………………….
I’m standing at the base of Ann’s stairs to the front door. An ambulance is wailing down Divisadero, coming toward my direction.
Am I a fuck-up? Why am I really pursuing this? Self-interest? Ego? Maybe she really is better off without me.
As the ambulance passes me by, it’s howls get longer.
Heh, Doppler shift. Focus! Why am I standing at her doorstep? Christ, I’ve hurt her. I’m such a scumbag.
The ambulance is gone. The street falls silent. Am am still standing in the same spot I was when the cab dropped me off. Carry-on at my feet. Flowers in hand.
What’s the right move here?
I climb the steps. I hear the doorbell resonate from inside the house.
Continued…
Tagged: Creative Memoir
