Hollywood
I walk into recording studio 4 and I am stunned by the 20 piece fucking orchestra jamming away while perfect dancers in feathered costumes (presumably show girls) gyrate in front of the stage. Their feet seem to never hit the ground. Joe Gallant the director escapes from his staff long enough to greet me. He gives me a warm hug and welcomes me to the set. The warm hug fills me with love that I can not explain. I’ve never met Joe but we have spoken on the phone for hours several times leading up to this colossal project.
One week earlier
Phone rings with a number I don’t recognize. I ignore it. I never answer my phone and always let it go to voice mail.
Something tells me I should take this call.
Too late. It goes to voicemail but the caller does not leave a message.
Strange.
It’s a New York number. I have an overwhelming desire to call it back…
Me: Hey it’s Tyler…somebody just called me?
Brooklyn accent: Yeah…this is Joe Gallant. I’m directing a feature for Adam & Eve and you came highly recommended.
Me: Cool. Hello Joe.
I’m a reclusive dick, who the fuck recommended me?
Joe: Meredith the head of production.
Fuck did I say that out loud?
Joe: Yeah so anyways, I heard you got the lead in another movie, and you are playing the trumpet.
How the fuck does he know that? I just got that gig yesterday.
Me: Yeah, I um… well you see I…
Joe: Can you sing and dance?
Me: Um…no?
Who told this poor guy that I can sing and dance? Please Jesus do not let this be a porn musical.
Joe: It’s a porn musical. I’m shooting a period piece…a 60’s Rat Pack Movie…ya know like Frank, Sammy, and Dino?
Me: Yeah…
Joe: So yeah…I got snappy dialogue for you. It will be you, Dino Bravo, Jack Vegas, and Ron Jeremy. You guys will be in Vegas cracking safes, and doing a few song and dance numbers in tuxedos and whatnot.
Ha-ha…oh-kaaaaaay
Joe: You say something.
Me: No…I uhh *ahem!* gotta cold…sorry…go on.
I do not want to end up looking like a fool if I fail but this guy seems to sense it, and his easy manner puts me at ease. Still, I can’t fucking sing I dance like a 70-year-old white guy schlepping a colostomy bag, and he wants me to play Sammy fucking Davis? Are you fucking kidding me? I can tell right away as a director he has a gift with dealing with talent but there is no fucking way I’m gonna humiliate myself. Plus it’s Sammy! I just read his biography for Christ sake. He is my fucking hero! I can’t be fucking girls’ assholes with a glass eye and shit.
Joe: There’s gonna be an orchestra with show girls and I’m composing the music. You guys will be in tuxedos…don’t worry though no glass eye. I got Bree Olsen (Adam & Eve contract girl) in it too, and you’ll have a cool shit to say, and you’re gonna fuck a hot big titted blonde in the ass. You get to pick who.
Me: Fuckin’ A!
Joe: Exactly!
Chuckles from both of us.
The conversation goes on about the project for about 10 more minutes, and Joe’s enthusiasm is infectious! I’m fired up! The conversation drifts to the New York Art and theatre scene. I mentioned that as a young actor I met “Wyatt Dasilva” and interestingly enough, he and Dasilva were both part of the experimental “Woozy” theatre group. Joe and I have a lot in common and I instantly like the man. There is something …familiar about him…
Damn him!
I ask him if it is possible for me to get the script a good week before principal photography because I like to dig in and do my work. We say our good byes, and hang up.
Joe and I chat on the phone briefly a few times throughout the week mainly to nail down a rehearsal day. Each time we talk I am hoping he will say this is a big joke or just call the whole thing off. I still can’t believe this is gonna happen.
What have I gotten myself into?
Back to the studio
Joe shoves music and lyrics in my hand and excuses himself to conduct the orchestra. Before I can even steal a glance at the paper in my hand Jack Vegas greets me. I half chat with him and half take in the spectacle of dancing show girl ass and orchestra before me. Ron Jeremy walks into the studio and gives Joe a big hug followed by Dino Bravo.
RON! Maybe he can help me! Ron always knows what to do!
I want to hug Ron’s leg while he pats me on the head at tells me “There there. Everything will be OK”. Apparently the right thing to do is whip out a harmonica and do an impromptu number with the band.
Joe: Great! Lets run this piece! You guys are all here!
Me: Um…OK.
Joe: Who’s gonna take the first verse?
Fuck it. I may as well do it and get it over with. Why delay the agony?
Joe: Excellent Tyler! I am proud of you! Let’s get you all up on stage.
On stage we go to the waiting microphones. Right behind me is the string section. Beautiful violinists smile at me. They inquire how I plan on singing to a the lyrics in my hand with no notes. I tell them it wouldn’t make a difference since I can’t read sheet music. This apparently is cute to them and they giggle. I feel like a tool and force myself to focus on a point on the wall at the far side of the studio. I apologize in advance to the entire orchestra telling them that I have zero talent, no pitch whatsoever, and I beg them not to club me to death with their instruments.
The Gallows
Joe is in ecstasy, conducting each section of his orchestra with other worldly precision. Music rumbling through my body makes the ice in my drink skip with each pulse. I feel my heart in my throat, threatening to jump out of my mouth if I dare open it. Death clutch on the mic stand helps me stay upright. Flash bulbs from the press batter my face and my dizziness reminds me that I should take a breath.
Orchestra is jamming.
Show girls are a heavenly of blur of plumage and ass.
My eyes dart wildly.
I miss my cue.
The entire orchestra is looking at me.
Joe stops the band and tells me patiently….
Joe: You’re supposta come in after the first bar.
Me: What the hell is a bar?
Orchestra:HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah-ah-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…. (you get the idea)
Joe: Don’t worry…I’ll point to ya for your cue. Just don’t look at me directly… you will know when the time is right.
Me: (To my shoes) Um….OK.
Rehearsal take two.
Orchestra is jamming again. Ass-shakery from the show girls sends white feathers flying. The press invited to set for the dog and pony are snapping pics.
I can do this!
I look to the studio door as if my Mom is gonna bust in with a plate of waffles and milk and rescue me.
She doesn’t. Instead I see Joe nod at me.
That’s my cue!
I moan and dance like a constipated zombie hopped up on barbiturates and fish tranquilizers. The other guys are awesome.
Cocksukers!
The number ends.
Christ, I am so fucking fired!
I am waiting for the feared “Get the fuck off my set!” speech.
Joe: EXCELLENT! Don’t worry Tyler I’m not gonna fire you. But let’s run this a few more times before we break for a few. God is in the details ya know?
Tagged: Creative Memoir
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2 Comments
Hey Tyler! I was wondering when Crack Pack was coming out. I was one of the girls playing violin and wanted to share the movie with my friends. I can’t find any useful information online about it, but luckily I stumbled here and found you! Let me know
<3 "Misty Moans"
Hello. Adam & Eve are not releasing it until 2010 I believe. Joe is disappointed because he wanted it up for consideration for the awards season but this may prove to be to his advantage. This is because Adam & Eve is pushing a huge project (which will probably win everything) so he is better off with his film not getting overlooked.